How judgmental are you? My answer would have always been "not very" everyone judges and its natural to do so, its part of being human but how is your judgment effecting your life?
In 'Judgement Detox' by Gabriella Bernstein she says "both being judged and judging others- is at the core of our discomfort and the root of many of our life blocks. When we judge others we get a quick hit of self-righteousness. Judgement can get us through when we are feeling hurt, insecure or vulnerable. But inevitably this feeling of self-righteousness fades and judgement causes our energy to weaken and our thoughts darken"
This book is a 6 step programme that will rid you of your judgement, pain and suffering.
So there I am on the train to London to the Best You Expo and I decide to do stage one. 'Write down at least 15 judgements you make' They can be people, ones made of yourself, groups of people... I wrote down 2 people to start with, I actually love these two people but I still find myself judging them. One in particular I have noticed the frequency in which I do this has increased.....why? There is a table to fill in - 'Whom or what am I judging?' I wrote down the 2 names...'How does this judgement make you feel' I wrote - Bad, Guilty, self-righteous and sometimes it makes me feel better, next question why do you feel justified in this judgment? I wrote (and I feel very vulnerable sharing this but here goes) I wrote 'Because I deserve what they have and I don't have it. Why does everything work out for them and not for me?..Why are they getting 'picked' over me?."
Next question and this is when it hit me 'What moment in my life triggered me to feel justified in this judgement?'
Straight away I was 13 sat on the back row of choir watching girls getting picked for solos that I knew/thought I could do better....given the chance. I sang in a choir for 10 years, it was a very strict environment and even though I travelled the world at a very young age and had many amazing experiences I don't look back on it with many fond memories. I was bullied for a while, left out, I missed my first girls holiday abroad with my friends as we had a concert in the second week so I wasn't allowed to go. No cool when your 17! The way it looked to me that some of the girls (not all as there were some phenomenal singers who were so much better than me) were chosen because there parents were very heavily involved with the choir. I got a duet once when my dad did the photos for the summer brochure... you get the picture.
Now the thing is I never expressed how I felt, I kept it all inside. My face would be so pleased for them but inside my inner voice was saying "Its so unfair, id love to do this but I can't because she wont pick me. I know I could do it better.....then the other voice would say "Who do you think you are?" so this conversation would happen pretty much every week for 10 years.
Suddenly I realised why I was judging my friends. They were doing something I wanted to do, they were doing better than me and the more successful they became the more my voice kicked in. Same conversation, same record on repeat. The realisation that, i'm not in choir anymore. Im not 13 and I don't have to be 'picked'. I get to pick me. I am in control. Instantly the judgment disappeared and I felt this weight lift.
Imagine the scene, Im on a train alone surrounded by strangers and I say, out loud 'FUCK!!'
Followed by an appology for swearing!
So whats held me back all these years from going fearlessly for my dreams was not that I don't feel good enough as I first though (I am a long way from where I want to be but I know I capable) It was just an old thought pattern on a loop playing over and over and over. Keeping me small, forcing me into comparison, making me feel sad and frustrated. The more I have thought about it and as I write it now its clear to me that how this one decision I made when I was a teenager that no matter how good I was it didn't matter, no one would pick me. A decision made in the midst of raging hormones, teenage angst and trying my best to fit in has effected every decision I have ever made?
What decisions have you made in childhood? Whats dialogue is on repeat in your mind? Is it still true?
Just as I finished writing this I took a break to deal with this problem. A session with one of my coaches to eliminate that decision using a powerful NLP process. I look at that time now through different eyes. I was just a child, she made her decisions to suit her world and she wasn't to know the effect it would have on me. the biggest lesson I learnt was that you don't need anyones permission to achieve your dreams. You get to pick you!
Go do it!!